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Moving onto a new blog as I would like to leave baggage in the past behind. Link below:

jstnreflects.wordpress.com

Thanks everyone who has followed my blog 🙂

Long-distance will always feel underwhelming and unfulfilling compared to a regular relationship – but to anyone who is looking for advice about LDRs, I’d say stop to really think about whether the person matters more to you than the agony of loneliness (or worser emotions) you are going through. I caved with all my mental pressures sitting on me and I know that with awareness I really could have changed from it.

I really meant it when I said I’d give up my internship and my exchange just to prove my sincerity in believing in me again. I guess you didn’t want to have such a significant impact in my life that I’d throw rationality out the window, but you really meant so much to me. You were my future and my everything. I prioritised you more than you realised even with everything hurtful you saw on the surface. Time was the scarcest resource I had and I still managed to make time to watch shows and Skype you. But now I have to learn to live with the consequences of my mistakes.

One problem must have been that psychologically, I really needed time alone as well, and I was giving up time alone to re-energise myself to spend time (that I don’t have) with you. And I didn’t know how to communicate that to you / that I was feeling that at the time.

It’s still May, and I guess the wound is still fresh for me. By the time I see you again next year in January, we really are going to be completely different people. I’ve really already grown and changed so much from this, and I really hope you won’t be clouded with past emotions and you will manage to see it.

I foresee myself chasing you again in 2019, not because I’m just trying to salvage things, but because I am a wildly sentimental person who really sees a future with you. I was bad at communicating in the relationship, but that’s something that I can work on, and future relationships will be better. I really will give you up if you won’t give me a chance to start over as friends again, but I really want to do things over and take things slow and do things right like I know we were meant to.

https://www.manrepeller.com/2017/09/regret-breaking-up.html

“You are not a monster. What you did was save yourself from a relationship you knew you would continue to find unfulfilling. You answered your gut, in spite of your fear, and if you reread your question, you said as much yourself. You also saved someone you deeply care about from investing in a relationship in which her partner wasn’t all-in. I think your decision was ultimately a kindness to her, too.”

Fuck I relate to this so hard. Even though it wasn’t exactly my gut but my mental stress making me act based on logic instead of what I felt for you. Even though I know I’m the kind of person to take both into consideration before making decisions.

But I’ve realised that I really am ready to commit after clearing my head and taking all the space to reflect upon what I really want. Whether it is short-term grief or not I guess we’ll see in due time.

I’ve realised that I know how to be single, as I am sure you do too, as we were both really independent people and that was what I loved also about our relationship, (we can function separately but we make each other feel like even better people than we are as individuals) but this made long-distance harder as our presence in each other’s lives decreased so significantly.

I seem to be better. I guess.

Still in disbelief we are no longer in a relationship.

Have fully accepted that you are going to move on, and I need to too. There will always be a place for you in my heart though.

I realised that one thing I wanted to achieve from wanting to end things even earlier (and be just friends, not cut off from your life completely), was because I did not want to get used to not being able to rely on you when we were “in a relationship”. Long-distance… is weird, you are there, yet you aren’t there for them. We got used to solving our own problems on our own and slowly, that transitioned to just becoming updates about life and that also contributed to why I did not realise how important you were in my life.

Piano updates: Setting a goal for myself to learn ‘The Entertainer’ intro by End June. Been practicing this A LOT but the jumpy timings for ragtime (which I’ve always wanted to learn) is much harder than it looks. Further, there are so many chords that require so much hand flexibility (wide span chords) in the song hahah 😥 And now trying to find a score to learn how to play ‘Tchaïkovsky – Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy’. May learn it earlier if it’s easy.

Guitar updates: Fingers are starting to blister up again. I guess I really have been committed to playing 15-30 mins a day. I wonder if I will ever master Fingerstyle guitar to any degree :”) Just been playing all sorts of songs, just practicing chords and stuff. When my skin (on my fingers) starts to harden, shall start on

Climbing updates: Classes start next week! Hehe excited for it.

Dance updates: Been breaking almost everyday – have a ton of footage I would love to share. The earliest House class I am interested in starts in July though. Thinking of joining some competitions in the near future to set some milestones for myself. – Also, started an Evernote to record down things (moves or concepts) I really want to train and prioritise so I don’t always lose myself into an unfocused cypher mentality.

Exercise updates: Been doing a 6-10min HIIT training on weekdays, hitting the gym on Saturdays (trying to make it a routine), as well as Tuesday if it’s possible, and doing planks and handstands after every dance session (to stabilise my core further). My ankle isn’t fully recovered yet, when it is I will likely transition to my intended run + pullups regime, but I think I will find some way to incorporate HIIT and core training there too. Shall mull over that on the weekend.

Reflection updates: Still on hold. Theme for reflection this week will be self-love. Meditation really really really helps haha 🙂

Exchange updates: Really behind for all the planning and Visa booking and whatnot, this part is depressing :/ Not really motivated/interested to really travel when I’m in a state like this, but I am also training so that I will be able to rep internationally at jams and hold my own when I’m in Germany.

Progress Report:

Still miss you so much, last night I had a dream that you texted me that you forgave me and then things were good. And then I woke up in disbelief to check my phone to find that it was true. And then I realised when I woke up again that waking up the first time was just a dream (some inception shit right there). It’s really tiring… as much as I’ve accepted you are going to be a part of my history, my subconscious doesn’t allow it.

Meditation – helps, still doing it twice a day.

Guitar – have started practicing it daily – about 15-20 mins a day just to regain the finger strength and endurance required to play guitar in the long run.

Exercise – have started to incorporate TABATAs / HIITs in my morning exercise before I leave for work. Will likely switch to the running and pull-ups regime as intended when my ankle fully recovers.

Alarm – as mentioned only set 1 alarm for 6AM (scrapped multiple alarms and allowing myself to snooze them). Usually I wake up much earlier than that that so I have been actually been religiously following the alarm 🙂

 

After what just happened to me, I cannot stress the importance of mental wellness enough. I always knew that at my busiest, I didn’t have the time to break at all, which means I definitely did not have the time to reflect about my life and about us. Especially as breaking has such a huge impact on me, it is my emotional outlet, my space to create and vent emotions, and between breaks I tend to think about my life (as I’m a huge fan of metacognition (or thinking about thinking).

Things really got bad once projects started to kick in as other than just work and school, my nights were eaten by project meetings and preparing for the coming ones. I had no time for myself and I barely had time for you I was gasping to stay afloat.

Sorry future me if my posts don’t make sense I am just rambling about everything so I can identify the problems, why I felt what I felt and the trauma-induced mentalities later.

Please read the following post and I hope it brings anyone who reads it some comfort or enlightenment that life can be better, and that mental wellness is very important.

Information largely gotten from: https://www.cottesloecounselling.com.au/physical-mental-health.html

What is mental health?

Good mental health is a sense of well-being, confidence and self-esteem. It enables us to fully enjoy and appreciate other people, day-to-day life and our environment. When we are mentally healthy we can form positive relationships, use our abilities to reach our potential, and deal with life’s challenges.

What is poor mental health and mental illness?

Poor mental health is similar to mental illness, but symptoms are experienced to a lesser extent. Mental illness is diagnosed according to a recognised set of criteria, and significantly affects how a person thinks, behaves and interacts with other people. A mental illness or a mental health problem may be diagnosed by a doctor or a psychologist. Mental health problems may result in depressive or anxious symptoms, difficulty managing emotions, disruptive or negative thought patterns, low self-esteem and problems of confidence, problems socialising or difficulty in relationships, self harming or suicidal thoughts or actions.

What can be done to improve or maintain good mental health and physical health?

There are many things you can do to improve and maintain your mental and physical health, including:

  • Eat a healthy, well balanced diet
  • Get regular exercise throughout the week
  • Get enough sleep so that you feel refreshed when you wake
  • Spend time with those friends and family who value and care about you
  • Take time to pay attention to how you are feeling and what you might need
  • Make time for a hobby or other activity that you enjoy
  • Set goals that are realistic and achievable
  • Know that you are not alone, there is someone who can support you even if it seems they are hard to find
  • See a psychologist, counsellor or GP for support

Conclusion

In truth your body’s physical health can not be separated from your mental health. Each one affects the other in complex ways.

Symptoms of poor mental health can be disruptive to a person’s daily life and limit potential and place stress on relationships. Paying attention to mental health and making efforts to maintain and improve mental health can not only benefit people psychologically and in their relationships with others, it can also support good physical health.

There are many things that can be done to support good mental health, including both physical and psychological approaches. Seeing a psychologist is a good way to address mental health concerns. A psychologist can assist in increasing awareness of mental health symptoms and how they may be related to physical concerns, the possible causes of mental health problems, and support healthy ways to improve mental health outcomes.

I’m done feeling sorry for myself.

Reflection is going to have to wait. Shall set a reminder to reflect again in July. Originally I wanted to finish reflecting before I focus on being happy but I realise I’m still a little in the emotional period.

I can’t be this distraught over a break up. I promised myself I would learn to be emotionally responsible for myself.

I need to grow stronger and make myself better from this.

Gambatte Justin!!!!

I just decided a while ago that I no longer want to be negative.

There are really two ways I can approach what just happened in my life. The first is that I can continue to be negative, sad and emotional, because I really lost the love of my life and I feel helpless and fearful because there are many more deep-seated insecurities in me. And the second is that I need to take control of my life, be positive, be the best version of myself and only when I believe in myself again and I feel like I’m the best version of myself possible, will I have the confidence in myself to do great things again.

I really need to reflect again about my deeper issues but I’ll put that on hold first. I can likely do that on my long train rides when I’m in Europe.

Amazingly enough, I probably got the concept from this video which I watched probably 3 years (or maybe less) ago. I just remembered it and when I watched it again it gave me so much feels.

“It wasn’t good, or bad, it was something that just… happened.”

Dependency Paradox

I’ve really grown from this heartbreak.

From it I also have learnt that I am capable of loving deeply. (I think part of my subconscious thought I was too broken to love again.) I was able to build a relationship with you that was much deeper than I realised that I got so hurt now. I let myself become more vulnerable with you than I thought. I just can’t believe I didn’t see it sooner.

For a long time, I thought I was independent and functioning alone (just like how lonely I felt). Times where I left you missed calls or replied you excitedly about something but you couldn’t reply me due to the time difference, made me feel even lonelier. Somehow I was still getting by with my life, and that made me believe that I was functioning well without you. This is until we ended (sigh I still regret not understanding what the significance of a pause and break meant to you), that I realised how much you really meant to me.

This relates closely to something I read called the Dependency Paradox. The easiest example to explain what this is Scenario 1: A mother and a baby enter a room full of toys. The mother sits on a chair and watches the baby, so the baby feels secure and independently explores the room and tries out all the toys. Scenario 2: Same scenario, except the mother leaves the baby in the room. The baby starts crying and feels completely lost without the mother (what he treasured and depended on so much before) and loses his feeling of independence. Basically the paradox states that: To be independent, your mental state has to be dependent on something else.

Or another way to say it is: you don’t realise the value of something until it’s gone. (I still regret not understanding the significance of a pause and a break!!!!! And I don’t think I can ever forgive myself for that) I just needed some space to distance myself from the relationship to figure that part of myself out, and I really believed that you would understand what I felt, that I needed the space, and that time would not change anything.

I… was an idiot. Letting you know via letter (mistake 2), which took practically a month so I had to do it over text (mistake 3). I just kept making mistakes didn’t I? I should have let you know that I meant a pause the day after, or that I said things in the heat of the moment and tried to salvage things via email (at least it’s instantaneous) the day after.

What really I should see as a plus since we broke up instead of paused is that I would not have so much freedom to rediscover myself outside of us as a couple and transforming all the pain into motivation to make myself the best version of myself possible, that will definitely make us stronger as a unit (should you accept me again) if I can understand myself and help you understand me better.

Searching the web for a quick definition on what this word means… and:

 

 

 

 

I got scared when I wanted to do a serious one of myself, so I am going to do a slightly more light-hearted one here and I’ll link it below when I’ve completed the serious one. Or maybe not, depending on how personal it gets. :”)

http://www.bl.net/forwards/psychtest.html

Link above, questions below: (NOTE, DO NOT READ AHEAD IF YOU WANT TO TRY DOING THIS YOURSELF!)

Read the following questions, imagining the scenes in your mind, and write down the FIRST thing that you visualize. Do not think about the questions excessively.

1. You are not alone. You are walking in the woods. Who are you walking with?

My shadow or maybe a ghost is following me.

2. You are walking in the woods. You see an animal. What kind of animal is it?

Deer. Or maybe a rabbit.

3. What interaction takes place between you and the animal?

It just startles me and walks off.

4. You walk deeper in the woods. You enter a clearing and before you is your dream house. Describe its size?

Dream house is usually small, but if its deep in the woods I imagine a huge place American-sized with a backyard and all.

5. Is your dream house surrounded by a fence?

Yes.

6. You enter the house. You walk to the dining area and see the dining room table. Describe what you see on AND around the table.

I imagine a long dining table that can fit 6-8, oval-shaped, with cutlery placed for possible guests or mealtime and candles (the fancy kind) on the table.

7. You exit the house through the back door. Lying in the grass is a cup. What material is the cup made of?

Plastic.

8. What do you do with the cup?

Keep it in the kitchen.

9. You walk to the edge of the property, where you find yourself standing at the edge of a body of water. What type of body of water is it?

River.

10. How will you cross the water?

Find rocks to skip across.

 

Now, how did I do?

This has been a relational psychology test. The answers given to the questions have been shown to have a relevance to values and ideals that we hold in our personal lives. The analysis follows:

1. The person who you are walking with is the most important person in your life. (oh no)

2. The size of the animal is representative of your perception of the size of your problems. (oh no)

3. The severity of the interaction you have with the animal is representative of how you deal with your problems. (passive/aggressive) (oh no)

4. The size of your dream house is representative of the size of your ambition to resolve your problems. (huge yesssss)

5. No fence is indicative of an open personality. People are welcome at all times. The presence of a fence indicates a closed personality. You’d prefer people not to drop by unannounced. (yes i am a private person)

6. If your answer did not include food, people, or flowers, then you are generally unhappy. (oh no but so true)

7. The durability of the material with which the cup is made of is representative of the perceived durability of your relationship with the person named in number 1. For example, styrafoam, plastic, and paper are all disposable, styrofoam, paper and glass are not durable, and metal and plastic are durable. (oh no)

8. Your disposition of the cup is representative of your attitude towards the person in number 1. (not sure how to interpret this, keep it closely with me i guess?)

9. The size of the body of water is representative of the size of your sexual desire. (really?)

10. How wet you get in crossing the water is indicative of the relative importance of your sex life. (this might be true sigh)

 

And that was psychoanalysis of Justin’s character

 

It’s bad again today.

Everything I do makes my thoughts bring me back to you.

Maybe I hadn’t had the time to watch TV, play computer games, or watch shows, because doing all of the above made me miss you so much.

I had even planned out the games we could play together and the shows we could watch together. Every time I see a couple on television I miss having you with me.

Where did I go wrong?

I don’t even understand myself anymore